On mothering men
And waiting for them to change.
In Netflix’s The Four Seasons, a fictional series about a group of married middle-aged friends, Jack complains to his wife that he’s hungry just as they’re rushing out to see a play. His wife Kate, played by Tina Fey, whispers witheringly to herself, “You’re a grown-ass man. Manage your food intake.” The problem is that Jack doesn’t act like a grown-ass man. To her mind, he acts like a child.
Later, Kate vents to him, “Oh my god, all I do is take care of you.”
And then, in a big blowup fight, she yells, “I could never leave you—your life would fall apart!” She complains about managing all the “endless emails and texts about all of your doctor’s appointments and all the bills, because I do everything and you do nothing.”
It’s just one of many recent pop cultural examples of women feeling like they are mothering their husbands—including a recent headline declaring, “MARRY A MAN-BABY AND YOU’LL DO IT ALL.”
The Four Seasons also dovetails with recent examples of women trying, desperately, to change their husbands—and sometimes waiting for a very long time to see results. By now, you’ve probably heard about that New York Times essay written by a woman who spent the majority of her marriage stuck in domestic inequality and had to wait thirty years for her husband to turn into a “dreamboat,” and to “hate” him “less.”
This cultural ephemera about so-called “man babies” shows that heteronormative wifehood can feel like motherhood—and, ironically, some of it suggests that yet more caretaking is the solution to domestic inequity.
Just this week, Paige Connell, an influencer who often posts about the unequal mental load that women carry in hetero marriages, went viral with a post reading: “She remembers their favorite foods. She plans every birthday, holiday, and family event. She anticipates needs before anyone says them out loud and keeps the whole household running in the background.”
Her Instagram caption adds: “The good news? We can change this. If you’re ready to start the conversation, comment INVISIBLE and I’ll send you my free guide.” The comments are filled with that all-caps word. Clearly, a lot of women want that guide.
Connell is also selling a $175 course teaching women how to talk to their partners about the mental load. The promo copy reads:
I created this course to guide you through the conversation so it actually leads to change… I’ll help you articulate the mental load, prepare for a productive (not confrontational) talk, and tackle common barriers like defensiveness.
Women who are feeling overworked and unsupported can sign up to take a class to fix it/him. They can learn “how to handle pushback, misunderstandings, and emotional roadblocks that can derail the conversation.” They can do a “Mental Load Audit.” They can “use a calendar, apps, or whiteboards to document household tasks and responsibilities.”
They can mom a little harder in hopes that their husband grows up.
Similarly, last month, the life coach Tamu Thomas went viral with an Instagram post that read, “Gen X and elder Millennial women didn’t marry partners (they inherited sons). Men who were never taught to carry the weight of adult life because their mothers always carried it for them.”
One might conclude that in order to break this cycle of exploitation, women need to mother actual sons differently. They need to raise future husbands—good ones.
Of course, it’s true that parenting is powerful. Last night, my kid, a boy, pointed out the sexism in his Beverly Cleary chapter book. Why were all the boys described as hating dolls? (“I have dolls.”) Why were the girls described as hating sports? It was one of those satisfying parenting moments where you imagine your small drop in the bucket of nurturing the future of humanity—and the ripples it might send out into the world.
But misogyny and systemic inequality cannot be laid at the feet of mothers —or of wives who have been coerced into mothering grown men. I’m reminded of the post-election calls for women to stop railing against the patriarchy, to engage in “soft diplomacy,” and to start thanking the men in their lives who voted for Joe Biden. As I put it then, “I do not think that we’re going to mother, caretake, and gratitude our way out of patriarchy.”
For her part, Thomas has decided to resist the trap of mothering men. “We don’t want to be your mothers,” she wrote in her Instagram caption. “We want to be met in partnership and shared adulthood.” She also wrote a piece for Grazia following on the heels of her viral post. She wrote:
I would love to be in a healthy relationship with a man who is emotionally robust enough to be a partner, and I know that men like this exist, but until I find that person I am committed to making my life feel satisfying and whole and not succumbing to a man I end up resenting.
The article was accompanied with that “man-baby” headline, as well as a photo of a grown man sucking a pacifier.
Even short of a “man baby,” a husband who “does nothing,” a lot of straight women find themselves in enduringly unequal marriages with men that they love. Of course you would want to try to work on things—and, with equal investment and true partnership, that can work out great.
It’s also true that women are already doing too much. We’re not going to change systemic inequality by doing more imbalanced caretaking. A woman might be able to marginally improve the balance of labor in her household by taking online courses in how to non-confrontationally talk with her husband about the mental load. Maybe. But it might take thirty years. And it’s not her work to own.
I tend to believe that men are far more capable than these conversations suggest. Inequitable men are not babies; they are not children. It’s often less an issue of incapacity than of enjoying the comfort, privilege, and convenience of being mommied. Often, that enjoyment is enabled by sexist and essentializing beliefs that are deeply engrained, even among men who fancy themselves as progressives.
There is plenty to be said about the many ways that socialization cheats men out of developing certain skills, but re-socialization—re-parenting—is far too formidable a task for a wife to take on with her husband. And, again, not her work to do.
Sometimes I think it helps to write out in the plainest of words what we’re really talking about: Men who do not take care of basic life tasks. Women who resent and even “hate” their partners. Relationships that are not actual partnerships.
That ending paragraph is *chef’s kiss*.