'We are the pawns on reality TV, we are the puppets that you laugh at'

I spoke with Justin Assada from Netflix's 'Perfect Match' about being edited into a mansplaining meme, becoming a 'scapegoat' for modern dating, and the genius of 'Goodnight Moon.'

Jun 19, 2024

A still of Justin and Holly talking books on ‘Perfect Match.’

The other day I accidentally went viral by posting a clip from Netflix’s Perfect Match to TikTok. Just a little snippet of Justin Assada and Holly Scarfone talking. She remarks on how Justin is “very meticulous” in the way that he speaks and he replies, “Really? I was an English major, so go figure.” She asks him to name his favorite book and he pauses, says it’s a hard question. Cue the whimsical background music.

Finally, he answers: Goodnight Moon. “I really liked that one,” he says. Holly is all of us when she nearly rolls her eyes and says: “Okayyy.”

I tossed the clip up on TikTok with a caption in the same style I might have texted it to a good friend: “POV you’re on a date with a man who was an English major.” It was partially intended as an ironic dig at English majors (I was one, and I find it impossible to name a favorite book). It also felt emblematic of the kind of “mansplaining” that women often encounter in heteronormative dating: essentially, a guy confidently holding forth on something he doesn’t know much about.

It was also suggestive of the never-grow-up Peter Pan stereotype—or the “man baby,” as Jessica Vestal puts it in an unrelated moment on the show. Truly, I’ve lost count of how many times this season’s contestants have referred to men’s “naughty” behavior, as though they are misbehaving little boys who are, indeed, tucked in at night by a mommy reading them Goodnight Moon.

But, you know, as is generally the case with my relationship to reality TV, that video didn’t sit right. Hundreds of commenters weighed in to make fun, defend him, or express their incredulity. I felt… morally implicated. I did not for a second believe that Justin’s favorite book was actually Goodnight Moon. It must have been a case of a dry sense of humor that didn’t play well onscreen or just heavy editing. Reality-TV dating shows are often constructed with surgical precision from distant and even entirely unrelated footage and audio. What we see onscreen isn’t a representation of reality so much as how producers manipulated it to keep people watching.

As views on my video skyrocketed—currently, it’s been watched around 400,000 times—I reached out to Justin for a quick interview. We talked about the real story behind his Goodnight Moon moment, what it’s like to see your highly-edited on screen actions served up for memes and lols, and why he’s a Harry Jowsey defender. Our conversation has been lightly edited for clarity and length.

First of all, can you tell me what actually happened during this onscreen exchange?

What you don’t see is me and Holly having a great conversation, there’s a lot of flirtatious back and forth, it's playful, right? I'm still trying to stay in the lane of loyalty with Elys [his match at the time] and Holly is throwing a slew of compliments my way. She’s like, “You’re very meticulous in the way that you speak,” and I go, “Yeah, well, I was an English major.” Then she asks me, “What's your favorite book?”

That is like asking someone what their favorite song is. So I'm like, “Oh, god, let me think.” At the moment, I was rereading For Whom the Bell Tolls and I love Hemingway, so I look at her and I go, “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” And I kind of just get a blank stare. I know it's not well-received in that moment. So I go, “Ah, you know what? It’s probably Goodnight Moon.” She might have laughed. [The producers] might have taken her response to For Whom the Bell Tolls and mixed it with her response to Goodnight Moon. I forget. Then I was like, “You know, quick read, lots of colors.” It was just dry humor.

justinassada

A post shared by @justinassada

So what did you think when you saw the edited footage, which does not at all play as intentionally humorous?

It's tough to see. I think they might just be playing it in accordance with the “boring” narrative. [Note: fellow contestant Bryton suggested that Justin’s relationship with Elys was “boring.”] My humor is definitely an acquired taste. I think it's tough to capture on camera. I won't chalk it up to the edit so much as I don't think it was being well-received by the people on the show.

Obviously, I posted a clip of this moment to TikTok because, in its edited form, it read to me as this perfect meme for a certain type of experience that women have in heteronormative dating. What is it like to see a highly edited version of you turned into a meme that sparks debate—or taps into a well of feeling—around modern dating?

I mean, it sucks to kind of be the scapegoat for the conversation, right? And to be an “example,” if you want to put quotations around that. But, you know, there is something to be said about modern dating. I think the majority of people who did watch the show, they can kind of see through the facade of the edit. They realize that moment in time certainly didn't match up with who I was in another moment. At the end of the day, it is media, it is entertainment, I know that they have to sell a show. If it gains popularity and gets to number one, which it has, you just put your trust in the editors and that's that.

I'll go out, or people will tune into my TikTok page, and they'll be like, “Wait, you’re not that much of an idiot. You’re a decent guy. You're not what they portray.”

As a viewer of reality TV, I've been reckoning with my own relationship with the genre—just, ethically, understanding how much editing happens and how much people can be misrepresented. The final product is extremely entertaining and can often feel representative of something broader in the culture, which has a certain value. But I wonder, what is it like for you to volunteer for that entertainment process and to know that you will be used in that way, and in a way that you can't control?

It's definitely an extreme. I went on reality TV, I signed that agreement that alluded to them essentially being able to display me however they wanted to display me. And if that's how it is, I guess that's just “don't hate the player, hate the game,” essentially. I would hope that people would make a judgment off me after meeting me in person. But sticks and stones.

Do you feel any personal investment in correcting the record or being seen in a more accurate way? Or do you detach yourself from it?

You posted that video and all these people in the comments are like, “This is ridiculous!” Naturally, you feel the need to prove them wrong. I was like, “I’m gonna comment and then I’m gonna do a stitch.” Then it was like, you know what? It doesn’t really make sense. The edit's the edit, you know? And it's a good filtration process. If someone doesn't want to speak to me or makes harsh judgments off what they've seen on reality TV, then I guess those aren't the people that I necessarily need to associate with in life. But everything else has been overwhelmingly positive, messages and comments all showing support. Even people talking about Goodnight Moon, they're like, “I completely understand what you were doing.”

One of the comments on the video I posted was this woman who was like, “I did my thesis on Goodnight Moon.” Maybe it’s a legitimate answer!

It is. That's the beauty of art in general. It’s all subjective. Even on the topic of Goodnight Moon, you could take a deep delve into that, there’s a certain beauty to it.

Yeah. In defense of Goodnight Moon.

C’mon now. Goodnight Moon is a masterpiece.

Anything else you want to correct the record on?

Just, in general, know that you’re trying to sell a show and make it more appealing. We are the pawns on reality TV, we are the puppets that you laugh at, but just know what you see on TV isn’t necessarily the same thing you encounter in person. Even the villainous edits that people get on the show, some people who are portrayed in the worst ways are actually really kind people. But it's show business, it's entertainment, and you got to sell a show.

Wait, who on this season do you think is nicer than how they are portrayed on TV? Is there someone you have in mind?

Yes. You know what I’m gonna say? I'm gonna say Harry Jowsey. [Note: background on him here.]

What?! [Laughing, screaming.] Okay!

Listen, trust me, I went into that show and was like, “I'm gonna hate this guy. This guy stands for everything that I don't like. He's gonna be a douchebag.” But he couldn't be more far from it. Since the show was released, and since there's been such an overwhelming response, he has been nothing but supportive, nothing but kind, checking in on me. We talk nearly every single day.

Even on the show itself, getting to know him, he was a beacon of hope for me. All the guys were, but he's the one that gets misconstrued. Now, in terms of his dating history and things of that sort, I can't speak on that, obviously.

That's a big caveat.

Yeah, it is. As a person, right? I think Harry is one of the most genuine and upfront and honest and helpful people I’ve ever encountered.

Wow, you're blowing my mind.

I wanted to hate the kid but I fell in love with him.