I think the cool girl/ pick-me girl dynamic (binary?) aligns nicely with Avoidant/Anxious attachment theory. They are different sides of the same "insecure" coin. The cause of this insecurity can be attributed to an unreliable parent, but the re-parenting and the work of developing a healthier, more secure attachment, is ultimately the responsibility of the individual acting as such. So are the unreliable parents of cool girl and pick-me girl, heteronormativity and the patriarchy then???
I have behaved as , or rather lead with, the cool girl for the better part of my adult life. I was an emotional mess after my first big romantic breakup as a teen. After wearing out my emotional welcome , crying about it, with every friend I had, I cobbled together a cool girl persona as a way to carry on. It helped that the messaging I received from my particular socio economic group was that I should focus on career possibilities and my talents, etc and that IF I wanted babies and marriage, I should wait.... cue hook-up culture of the early aughts and cool girl was in the driver seat! Pick-me girl, however, was always perched in the backseat, eager to grab at the wheel, often flipping the bus and therefore my sense of self. I could and have attributed these qualities to my actual wonderful, loving, imperfect parents, but that line of reasoning always loses steam, as there are obviously bigger forces at play.
I really agree with your "diet of the heart' theory. I feel it, and felt it while dating, and the neoliberalism of it all, is so right on. If the better way for women to live IS career focused, and I do deeply wish for us all to have financial independence, but I can't help but speak from experience... what happens when your bad ass career is ALSO the f'in patriarchy and prevents you from cultivating the life you desire and relationships you deserve by working you to death?! It just doesn't add up. Centering work, in order to decenter men, is just more centering men, but professionally, in my experience. My chosen industry is particularly egregious, but I know it's not the only one.
I've been reading The Myth of Making It by Samhita Mukhopadhyay and she is suggesting a de-centering of work, which I personally am resonating with after my career ambitions collided with motherhood. I've been examining my relationship to individualism and craving something more collective, but finding work, or creating work that has collective integrity, is flexible for family, personal interests AND provides financial stability is a tall order. I do hear some good stories of individuals and companies doing it, which is heartening, but Wow this is all totally exhausting!!
Damn. I freaking love this: “what happens when your bad ass career is ALSO the f'in patriarchy and prevents you from cultivating the life you desire and relationships you deserve.”
And thank you for sharing all your thinking here—lots to chew on!
This Modern Love article reminded me of the movie Something’s Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson- when Diane Keaton has been disappointed after falling in love and being heartbroken again, her daughter played by Amanda Peet tells her she needs to self protect. And she tells her daughter she won’t ever feel anything fully if she’s always trying to protect herself from the pain of heartbreak.
I succeeded in being a Cool Girl for only about 5 weeks of the summer I was 23 yo, I felt everything too deeply to pull off any illusions of not caring. I like to think I’m aware of the patriarchy and how cishet marriages are harming us all but looking back it doesn’t change that I was still thrilled every time my now husband texted me or asked me on a date that summer.
There's no way to exist without disappointment, heartbreak, and unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, in love or not. No matter the label you identify with, whether you are the Cool Girl, the Decentering Men Girl, or The Rules Girl, life and love exist among humanity's angels and monsters. What haunts and/or guides us in love is our world, culture, and geographical location. It's circumstantial. It's the decades in which we are raised, the headlines we read, the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the stories we hear, the schools and lectures we educate ourselves with, the books we read, the experiences we experience, the drugs we take, the social sphere we roll in, our economic status, and the images we see. All are the ultimate influencers; we are all vulnerable to desire, self-doubt, ego, delusion, illusion, and few concrete answers to our endless questions. Each of us has our own thing that resonates, which becomes tribal when shared with others. We seek the impossible emotional ideal, which is fleetingly obtainable. Romantic deprogramming and being taught coping skills when we are young is where it's at. A move toward some kind of preventative damage control.
I laughed my ass off with Diane Keaton and her over-exaggerated crying from heartbreak; it resonated. With the daughter, I thought good luck, honey.
The price we pay for love and living is different, yet we all pay in some way. If it's about patriarchy, consider this. According to the CDC, "The suicide rate among males in 2022 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides." As wonderful as life is, it hurts all of us too.
P.S. I feel like I should apologize for such a long comment....I read the Modern Love article too and well had something to say 🙃 Feeling the need to apologize for a too long comment....definitely a woman thing.
No need to apologize! Thanks for weighing in so thoughtfully. Wholeheartedly agree with this: “There's no way to exist without disappointment, heartbreak.” It’s so very tempting to believe otherwise and search out the secret fix.
I think the cool girl/ pick-me girl dynamic (binary?) aligns nicely with Avoidant/Anxious attachment theory. They are different sides of the same "insecure" coin. The cause of this insecurity can be attributed to an unreliable parent, but the re-parenting and the work of developing a healthier, more secure attachment, is ultimately the responsibility of the individual acting as such. So are the unreliable parents of cool girl and pick-me girl, heteronormativity and the patriarchy then???
I have behaved as , or rather lead with, the cool girl for the better part of my adult life. I was an emotional mess after my first big romantic breakup as a teen. After wearing out my emotional welcome , crying about it, with every friend I had, I cobbled together a cool girl persona as a way to carry on. It helped that the messaging I received from my particular socio economic group was that I should focus on career possibilities and my talents, etc and that IF I wanted babies and marriage, I should wait.... cue hook-up culture of the early aughts and cool girl was in the driver seat! Pick-me girl, however, was always perched in the backseat, eager to grab at the wheel, often flipping the bus and therefore my sense of self. I could and have attributed these qualities to my actual wonderful, loving, imperfect parents, but that line of reasoning always loses steam, as there are obviously bigger forces at play.
I really agree with your "diet of the heart' theory. I feel it, and felt it while dating, and the neoliberalism of it all, is so right on. If the better way for women to live IS career focused, and I do deeply wish for us all to have financial independence, but I can't help but speak from experience... what happens when your bad ass career is ALSO the f'in patriarchy and prevents you from cultivating the life you desire and relationships you deserve by working you to death?! It just doesn't add up. Centering work, in order to decenter men, is just more centering men, but professionally, in my experience. My chosen industry is particularly egregious, but I know it's not the only one.
I've been reading The Myth of Making It by Samhita Mukhopadhyay and she is suggesting a de-centering of work, which I personally am resonating with after my career ambitions collided with motherhood. I've been examining my relationship to individualism and craving something more collective, but finding work, or creating work that has collective integrity, is flexible for family, personal interests AND provides financial stability is a tall order. I do hear some good stories of individuals and companies doing it, which is heartening, but Wow this is all totally exhausting!!
Damn. I freaking love this: “what happens when your bad ass career is ALSO the f'in patriarchy and prevents you from cultivating the life you desire and relationships you deserve.”
And thank you for sharing all your thinking here—lots to chew on!
This Modern Love article reminded me of the movie Something’s Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson- when Diane Keaton has been disappointed after falling in love and being heartbroken again, her daughter played by Amanda Peet tells her she needs to self protect. And she tells her daughter she won’t ever feel anything fully if she’s always trying to protect herself from the pain of heartbreak.
I succeeded in being a Cool Girl for only about 5 weeks of the summer I was 23 yo, I felt everything too deeply to pull off any illusions of not caring. I like to think I’m aware of the patriarchy and how cishet marriages are harming us all but looking back it doesn’t change that I was still thrilled every time my now husband texted me or asked me on a date that summer.
5 weeks! Impressive tbh!
There's no way to exist without disappointment, heartbreak, and unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, in love or not. No matter the label you identify with, whether you are the Cool Girl, the Decentering Men Girl, or The Rules Girl, life and love exist among humanity's angels and monsters. What haunts and/or guides us in love is our world, culture, and geographical location. It's circumstantial. It's the decades in which we are raised, the headlines we read, the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the stories we hear, the schools and lectures we educate ourselves with, the books we read, the experiences we experience, the drugs we take, the social sphere we roll in, our economic status, and the images we see. All are the ultimate influencers; we are all vulnerable to desire, self-doubt, ego, delusion, illusion, and few concrete answers to our endless questions. Each of us has our own thing that resonates, which becomes tribal when shared with others. We seek the impossible emotional ideal, which is fleetingly obtainable. Romantic deprogramming and being taught coping skills when we are young is where it's at. A move toward some kind of preventative damage control.
I laughed my ass off with Diane Keaton and her over-exaggerated crying from heartbreak; it resonated. With the daughter, I thought good luck, honey.
The price we pay for love and living is different, yet we all pay in some way. If it's about patriarchy, consider this. According to the CDC, "The suicide rate among males in 2022 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides." As wonderful as life is, it hurts all of us too.
P.S. I feel like I should apologize for such a long comment....I read the Modern Love article too and well had something to say 🙃 Feeling the need to apologize for a too long comment....definitely a woman thing.
No need to apologize! Thanks for weighing in so thoughtfully. Wholeheartedly agree with this: “There's no way to exist without disappointment, heartbreak.” It’s so very tempting to believe otherwise and search out the secret fix.
"a diet for the heart" --such a powerful arrangement of words that says so much. I love this. And I hate diets.