From Kristin Cavallari's 24-year-old boyfriend to Anne Hathaway's upcoming 'The Idea of You,' motherhood brings a whole lot of baggage to age-gap relationships.
This reminds me a lot of the work Amanda Montei does around motherhood and sexuality (and her book, Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, & Control, and her Substack, Mad Woman, are both great). I know when I got divorced I was terrified that people wouldn’t want to date me because I was a mother. And then when I found a partner and posted about all the hot sex we were having, my ex-husband slut-shamed me in a custody case claiming that I was an unfit mother because I talked about sex. The hypersexualization of the “MILF” while simultaneously shaming mothers who have and enjoy sex (this doesn’t even touch on mothers who are sex workers, either) is a double-edged sword that no mother can win. Anyway, to celebrate a year on testosterone, I got the word “MILF” tattooed across my stomach (which also then appeared in a court filing by my ex-husband 🙃).
I love Amanda! And you're my hero for that MILF tattoo. Incredible. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with the custody case. I think your comment is super interesting next to Lane's about her age-gap relationship only being accepted after they had a baby together. In one case, parenthood validates a sexual relationship. In the other case, a sexual relationship is used to try to invalidate/undermine/control(?) parenthood.
Also relevant is that the sex I reference (and have) is queer T4T sex which is also seen as less “appropriate” (he lost). My ex has also tried to have the court order me to remove art of queer/trans bodies from my walls because they’re “pornographic.” Meanwhile I know he has similar artwork in his home that features cis bodies. So there are several layers at play here, too.
My god. I can only imagine the horror of having yourself—and your sex life, the art in your home—essentially put on trial, and with such profound stakes. I'm so glad to hear that he lost, but so sorry that you had to go through that.
Thank you for this. I definitely encountered some ick in situations where younger men found out I was ENM and thought I’d be the i mommy fantasy and I was not into it. I’ve got people to call me “mommy” already 😵💫
What an interesting dynamic. And wild just how common that general sentiment of "I've got enough people calling me 'mommy' already" feels to all sorts of aspects of heteronormative dating and marriage.
SUCH a good question and interestingly enough it was like all was forgiven once we had a child. Like once I “fulfilled my duty as a woman” by becoming a mom it was all good 🙄
I have some family members who were so vehement before child that I wonder if they ever would have acquiesced if we hadn’t. I’m not sure tbh!
We had other complicating factors too-we are an interracial couple and come from different faith traditions. But age was a big one.
That is what I was guessing! Like how much of the outrage is really about women finding pleasure and desire outside of reproduction and appropriate roles?
I have just bought and read (in a weekend) Robinne Lee's book on the strength of this piece. So many thoughts around sex, desire, and love. The one situation where mature women, mothers, are hot - the MILF is framed wholly in the passive -- what about the mothers who want to fuck? Thank you.
I'm the "older woman" in my relationship--my partner and I have an almost 10-year age gap--and I love your analysis here. I got a LOT of pushback when we first started dating, and I wasn't even a mom then (now I'm the mother of his child--scandal!!!). If I had been a mom it would have been through the roof, and you're spot on for all the reasons why. Interestingly I was supposed to "know better" just bc I was a 30-something woman and he was still 20-something--I got a lot of shame for not being "serious and mature" enough. Sigh, there's always just one right way to date/be in a relationship when you're a woman, I guess!
I’m curious whether the reaction changed once you had kids! Very interested in how motherhood *with* a younger man is treated compared to a single mom in a relationship with a younger man.
This reminds me a lot of the work Amanda Montei does around motherhood and sexuality (and her book, Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, & Control, and her Substack, Mad Woman, are both great). I know when I got divorced I was terrified that people wouldn’t want to date me because I was a mother. And then when I found a partner and posted about all the hot sex we were having, my ex-husband slut-shamed me in a custody case claiming that I was an unfit mother because I talked about sex. The hypersexualization of the “MILF” while simultaneously shaming mothers who have and enjoy sex (this doesn’t even touch on mothers who are sex workers, either) is a double-edged sword that no mother can win. Anyway, to celebrate a year on testosterone, I got the word “MILF” tattooed across my stomach (which also then appeared in a court filing by my ex-husband 🙃).
I love Amanda! And you're my hero for that MILF tattoo. Incredible. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with the custody case. I think your comment is super interesting next to Lane's about her age-gap relationship only being accepted after they had a baby together. In one case, parenthood validates a sexual relationship. In the other case, a sexual relationship is used to try to invalidate/undermine/control(?) parenthood.
Also relevant is that the sex I reference (and have) is queer T4T sex which is also seen as less “appropriate” (he lost). My ex has also tried to have the court order me to remove art of queer/trans bodies from my walls because they’re “pornographic.” Meanwhile I know he has similar artwork in his home that features cis bodies. So there are several layers at play here, too.
My god. I can only imagine the horror of having yourself—and your sex life, the art in your home—essentially put on trial, and with such profound stakes. I'm so glad to hear that he lost, but so sorry that you had to go through that.
I keep trying to write about it (eventually maybe a book) but never get very far. When the time is right I believe the project will happen.
I’d read that in a heartbeat.
Thank you for this. I definitely encountered some ick in situations where younger men found out I was ENM and thought I’d be the i mommy fantasy and I was not into it. I’ve got people to call me “mommy” already 😵💫
What an interesting dynamic. And wild just how common that general sentiment of "I've got enough people calling me 'mommy' already" feels to all sorts of aspects of heteronormative dating and marriage.
SUCH a good question and interestingly enough it was like all was forgiven once we had a child. Like once I “fulfilled my duty as a woman” by becoming a mom it was all good 🙄
I have some family members who were so vehement before child that I wonder if they ever would have acquiesced if we hadn’t. I’m not sure tbh!
We had other complicating factors too-we are an interracial couple and come from different faith traditions. But age was a big one.
That is what I was guessing! Like how much of the outrage is really about women finding pleasure and desire outside of reproduction and appropriate roles?
And, oof, those added avenues for judgment, too!
Exactly!
So many unsolicited “this is just about the sex” and “this is just a phase for fun” comments and interventions.
And like, yeah! So what if it was??
Men do that ALL the time and get status for it.
I have just bought and read (in a weekend) Robinne Lee's book on the strength of this piece. So many thoughts around sex, desire, and love. The one situation where mature women, mothers, are hot - the MILF is framed wholly in the passive -- what about the mothers who want to fuck? Thank you.
Lol, maybe we should make MWLF (Mom Who'd Like to Fuck) a thing. And yay for inspiring a weekend speed-read. Love to hear it!
I'm the "older woman" in my relationship--my partner and I have an almost 10-year age gap--and I love your analysis here. I got a LOT of pushback when we first started dating, and I wasn't even a mom then (now I'm the mother of his child--scandal!!!). If I had been a mom it would have been through the roof, and you're spot on for all the reasons why. Interestingly I was supposed to "know better" just bc I was a 30-something woman and he was still 20-something--I got a lot of shame for not being "serious and mature" enough. Sigh, there's always just one right way to date/be in a relationship when you're a woman, I guess!
I’m curious whether the reaction changed once you had kids! Very interested in how motherhood *with* a younger man is treated compared to a single mom in a relationship with a younger man.