"I’m envisioning it as a variety of heteropessimism. It’s a perspective that recognizes that heteronormative love and sex can be punishing for women, while emphasizing exceptions (happy heteronormative relationships) that are attributed to men who are unicorns or women with discerning taste and romantic savvy. Crucially, it comes along with a sense of blame, specialness, and superiority, as opposed to solidarity."
Lots of things perfectly expressed here but this is one of my faves.
Totally!!! And like so many other things (placing all of white supremacy at the feet of cops, for example), underneath the exceptionalism and seems motivated by the fear, (sadness, anger?!) or at least deep discomfort with those tweeting womens’ (eg any of us!) own complicity in furthering the values of patriarchy (“so glad I’m over here as one of the good ones…”). And I get it-it’s so much less complicated/a lot less dissonance to not be partnered (esp monogamous partnered!) with a cis man. And, similarly, our individual choices about partnership are still that-individual, assuming that that’s the level where the works lies. Aaannnnddd, clearly that is not the case. Aaannddd, as a perpetually single, relationship anarchist (and gender researcher/social worker), I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create. In short, I have lots of very committed feminist friends (queer and not) in partnerships with cis men, and we talk very openly about a lot of things and the discomfort that comes around what you’ve aptly named here as “heteroessentiallism” runs SOOO deep and, with my grief usually takes the form of “ugh, why did I have to collude to get my sex/reproductive needs met?!” and less “isn’t he great?!!!!” As a related aside, I do a lot of work in domestic violence and this idea “one of the good ones” is so deep. Again-I’ve got lots of compassion for it-you’ve got to believe that your dude is a good one when the alternative (all men are horrible, or I’m “bad” at picking men and I may be next to be harmed) is so abysmal!)
I love this point: “I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create.”
“I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create”
I think about this so much! And I think a lot of heterosexual partnered women like myself feel insecure about our feminism and it feeds into this. Thx for sharing this. What kind of research do you do?
"I’m envisioning it as a variety of heteropessimism. It’s a perspective that recognizes that heteronormative love and sex can be punishing for women, while emphasizing exceptions (happy heteronormative relationships) that are attributed to men who are unicorns or women with discerning taste and romantic savvy. Crucially, it comes along with a sense of blame, specialness, and superiority, as opposed to solidarity."
Lots of things perfectly expressed here but this is one of my faves.
Totally!!! And like so many other things (placing all of white supremacy at the feet of cops, for example), underneath the exceptionalism and seems motivated by the fear, (sadness, anger?!) or at least deep discomfort with those tweeting womens’ (eg any of us!) own complicity in furthering the values of patriarchy (“so glad I’m over here as one of the good ones…”). And I get it-it’s so much less complicated/a lot less dissonance to not be partnered (esp monogamous partnered!) with a cis man. And, similarly, our individual choices about partnership are still that-individual, assuming that that’s the level where the works lies. Aaannnnddd, clearly that is not the case. Aaannddd, as a perpetually single, relationship anarchist (and gender researcher/social worker), I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create. In short, I have lots of very committed feminist friends (queer and not) in partnerships with cis men, and we talk very openly about a lot of things and the discomfort that comes around what you’ve aptly named here as “heteroessentiallism” runs SOOO deep and, with my grief usually takes the form of “ugh, why did I have to collude to get my sex/reproductive needs met?!” and less “isn’t he great?!!!!” As a related aside, I do a lot of work in domestic violence and this idea “one of the good ones” is so deep. Again-I’ve got lots of compassion for it-you’ve got to believe that your dude is a good one when the alternative (all men are horrible, or I’m “bad” at picking men and I may be next to be harmed) is so abysmal!)
I love this point: “I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create.”
“I’d love to invite the oft-uncomfortable perspective, that individual choices DO matter in that they support, nourish, exclude, occlude possible relationships, connection, intimacy, and are the everyday “work” of building and nurturing the world we want to create”
I think about this so much! And I think a lot of heterosexual partnered women like myself feel insecure about our feminism and it feeds into this. Thx for sharing this. What kind of research do you do?
Ah, thank you! So glad that it resonated. 🧡